Starting Over!

It's 2009 and this is our year!

This is the year that our lives change for the better.

Need me to be more specific? Jayden and I are moving to Texas.

Dallas, Texas.

To be with the love of my life, Scott.

He is truly the most incredible man, he comes from a great family, and I couldn't be more excited!

Jayden is excited.

Scott is excited.

This is it!

New York hasn't been all that good to me, but I still truly love it here.

I just know that I'm not living up to my potential here. There's no way to do that in a dead-end place like the Mohawk Valley in Central New York. This is the place to be when you just want to remain and not get ahead, not progress, and not strive for more.

Jayden is doing incredible-he's *almost* 5 1/2 years old (He'll be exactly 5 1/2 in 3 days on the 13th. Haha!) He's so smart, and such a wise-guy. He amazes me more and more everyday! His newest "thing" is LEGO's. He wanted a "LEGO'ish Christmas" and that's exactly what my little guy got! And since Christmas, he's somehow managed to gain about $300 more in LEGO's. Lucky kid...lucky kid.

My grief is something that I struggle with in so many different ways. Somedays, I feel like I can grieve and still be happy with other areas of my life, and then there are some days when I can't even get the energy to get up and shower because I'm so overwhelmed by it. In talking with a doctor, I realized that this is totally normal and it's something that I could very well deal with the rest of my life. When I'm stressed about other happenings in my life, my grief intensifies. Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair...wait...what am I talking about!? Life ISN'T fair. Not for anyone. But we're lucky. We have life. Not everything is fair. For those reading that don't know, my son Liam passed away to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome on May 17, 2007 when he was 5 weeks and 3 days old.

Yesterday, I was helping my mom clean, and Far Away by Nickleback came on the radio, I instantly burst into tears. Immediately after that Tears In Heaven by Eric Clapton came on. I just sat on the stairs and sobbed. It has been a long time since I LET myself cry like that. I usually try to stop so that nobody can see, so that everybody thinks I'm okay when in fact, I don't know what I'll ever truly be "okay." It's a new okay now. It's a different okay. It's not the old okay where I truly felt totally fine. It's the type of okay that I'm as good as I am going to get, but I'm not fine. Part of me honestly hurts all the time, and it gets exhausting. Emotionally exhausting as well as physical. It's taking such a toll on me that by 7:30-8pm, I'm ready for bed, I can hardly keep my eyes open, and I just want to get through what that day and try for the next. There are days when I really don't see how I can make it just another day, another 24 hours. But I do! And I'm proud of myself for that. I'm proud of Jayden for it. He's struggling too. There's nothing quite like feeling it yourself, then on top of that having to see your other son hurting so badly. It's hard.

Today, He's My Son by Eric Shultz came on. Waterworks again. Music really hits close to home with me.

FAR AWAY

This time, this place
Misued, mistakes

Too long, too late

Who was I to make you wait?

Just one chance, just one breath

Just incase there's just one left

'Cause you know, you know

You know...

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming that you'll be with me

And you'll never go

Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore...

On my knees I'll ask

One chance for one last dance

'Cause with you I'd withstand all of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything, but I won't give up

'Cause you know, you know

You know...

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming that you'll be with me

And you'll never go

Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore...

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

That I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

Believe it

Hold on to me and never let me go

Keep breathing

Hold on to me and never let me go...

TEARS IN HEAVEN

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same

If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand If I saw you in heaven

Would you help me stand If I saw you in heaven

I'll find my way, through night and day

Cause I know I just can't stay Here in heaven

Time can bring you down

Time can bend your knee

Time can break your heart

Have you begging please

Begging please

Beyond the door

There's peace I'm sure

And I know there'll be no more... Tears in heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same

If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven

HE'S MY SON

I'm down on my knees again tonight

I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right

See, there is a boy that needs Your help

I've done all I can do myself

His mother is tired, I'm sure You can understand

Each night as he sleeps

She goes in to hold his hand...

And she tries not to cry

As the tears fill her eyes...

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can You make him feel alright?

If You can hear me, let me take his place somehow

See, he's not just anyone...

He's my son...

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep

I dream of the boy he'd like to be

I try to be strong and see him through

But God, who he needs right now is You

Let him grow old

Live life without this fear

Who would I be

Living without him here?

He's so tired

And he's scared

Let him know that You're there...

Can You hear me?

Am I getting through tonight?

Can You see him?

Can you make him feel alright?

If You can hear me

Let me take his place somehow

See, he's not just anyone...

He's my son...

Can You hear me?

Can You see him?

Please don't leave him...

He's my son...